


Too Much

by CurrerJean



Category: The Bane Chronicles - Sarah Rees Brennan & Cassandra Clare & Maureen Johnson, The Eldest Curses Series - Cassandra Clare, The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Book 1: The Red Scrolls of Magic, Comfort, Late Night Conversations, M/M, post-red scrolls of magic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-03
Updated: 2019-07-03
Packaged: 2020-06-03 14:04:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19465531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CurrerJean/pseuds/CurrerJean
Summary: Magnus Bane is thinking about his past after the events of The Red Scrolls of Magic, and it has given him nightmares. Alec Lightwood is good at comforting people...





	Too Much

**Author's Note:**

> Salve, Shadowhunters!! I just finished re-reading The Red Scrolls of Magic for Pride Month and it gave me both feels and inspiration. One of the great things about Magnus and Alec is that they work really hard to be there for each other. They make time for each other. Try to be braver and kinder for each other. It is super easy to write conversations for them because I imagine them talking about everything. 
> 
> This fic turned out to be a companion piece to Love In A Time of War, my other fic where Alec and Magnus talk late at night. In that fic it is Alec who needs comforting after Abbadon. In this fic, Magnus needs comfort after everything with his past comes up.

Magnus Bane knew he was hard to handle. His lovers had always told him so. He was flashy and left glitter in his wake. He laughed too loud and talked too long. He came up with ideas and abandoned them in the same breath. He loved too hard but pretended like he didn’t.

Magnus Bane was too much.

That’s why no one took him seriously. That, and the fact that he was adventurous with colors. That he didn’t know how to follow the rules. That he thought serious talk was a waste of time and people in power seldom deserved it. That he sometimes tried to travel to all his favorite cities in one day.

Magnus knew he was too much. But he wanted to be loved anyways. 

All his lovers thought that he was frivolous. Who could take a man seriously when he wore sparkles and colors and painted his face like a woman? Who would listen to a man who quoted snatches of poetry but dismissed social norms? Who would listen to a man who could be captivated by the way sunshine turns water to diamonds, but knew nothing about why a soul should do anything it does not want to do? When his lovers thought that Magnus was nothing more than a pretty, hollow vase what could he do to change their minds?

Carving a hole in his chest and exposing the dented heart inside would have satisfied them, but to Magnus that was a butcher’s job. There were parts of him that were too dark and twisted to casually tell a lover. There was his mother who was so ashamed of him she killed herself. And his stepfather who had tried to murder him because death was the only thing that could cleanse Magnus’ soul. And if he really wanted his lover to feel sorry for him then he would tell them how his biological father was really a demon who wanted Magnus completely loyal and would only be proud if Magnus set the world on fire. He could tell his lovers that until the age of 18 he had lived amongst silent monks known as the Silent Brothers whose quiet intensity was the only peace his raging soul had. That from the time he left the Silent City he had been alone and wandering. He could tell his lovers that he was not hollow because there was nothing there, he was hollow because life had scraped him clean at times. 

His lovers would have appreciated this, if he had told them. They would have pressed hungry mouths to his wounds and licked the sadness, but what would it cost Magnus to be so vulnerable to those who could not see the beauty in happiness? Would they have thought him as beautiful if they knew that he lit candles just to see their golden glow, just to feel the small warmth grace his fingers like silk? Would he have been as beautiful if they knew that he dressed the way he did because it made people smile, and for a passing glance all monotony was broken up by his glitter and his grace? Would they have thought him vain and silly if they knew how much new cities ignited his soul and how sometimes he would look down while walking just to see he shoes pass over foreign lands? Would they have thought him worth loving if they knew that sometimes he would sit on the beach for hours just to feel small beside the infinite push and pull of the waves?

When Magnus’ lovers did not think that he was frivolous they thought that he was evil. He was the bastard son of a Prince of Hell. His power was meant to destroy not to create. His purpose on earth was to tip the tide of all that was holy. He was his father’s eldest curse. They saw the way that his magic could become a lashing lightning storm and they quaked. They saw how his voice could pull the darkest beasts from the shadows of Hell and they could not kiss his lips. They watched as he drew runes so dark the mortal eye could not hold them in its mind, and brought forth Hellfire. Magnus was not a frivolous thing to these lovers—he was the heir apparent to a host of dark energy.

Being hated for his very nature, scorched Magnus’ heart in a different way. To be hated by someone who once held a piece of his heart—that ripped a hole in his very soul. Time had told Magnus that he could not trust his nature with just anyone. He would be hunted for it. He would be hated for it. To be loved he had to hide. 

Which one was true? Was Magnus a hollow, pretty shell or a Prince of Hell?

Alec Lightwood had seen Magnus at his worst and best. He had travelled across Europe battling demons on Magnus’ behalf, saving Magnus from the ghosts of his past. Alec had found out that Magnus had started a cult. Alec had stayed. Alec had found out that Magnus had set his stepfather on fire. Alec had stayed. Magnus had gone on a shopping spree in every city they stopped at. Alec had stayed. Alec Lightwood had looked into Magnus’ darkness and found light, not an ugly hollow, pretty hell being. 

But Magnus was still scared to tell Alec about Asmodeus. That was a darkness even Magnus could not handle. He could not ask someone else to handle it too. So, this secret festered in his heart as he and Alec slept in the loft in Brooklyn. Then images from his past rose up like a tidal wave—his stepfather’s hands striking him. Asmodeus’s bony hand snatching at his memory. His Stepfather’s hands around his throat holding him under the water. Asmodeus calling him his eldest curse. Magnus feeling the fire rise up in his chest, pushing out and setting the water and the hands on his neck on fire—

“Magnus, wake up! Magnus. Magnus!”

“I can’t breathe!” Magnus said. “I can’t—”

A burst of white light swallowed Magnus’ dream, chased it away like it was a demon caught in the heavenly glow of a seraph blade.

“I’m sorry, Magnus. I don’t understand the language you’re speaking.”

Magnus untwisted himself from the golden sheets and turned to Alec. In the witchlight Alec was all shadows and light, but Magnus knew him well enough to know that his blue eyes were full of concern. One of Alec’s hands lay on Magnus’ back, the other held the light steady.

“I’m sorry.” Magnus said weakly. He was shaking. His hands just wouldn’t be still.

Alec set the stone down, but it stayed illuminated. He gently placed his hands on Magnus, linking their fingers. “You’re shaking.”

“I’m cold.”

“No, you’re not.” Alec said gently. “You had a nightmare. I’m a Shadowhunter. I’m Jace’s parabatai. I know what a nightmare looks like.”

If it had been anyone but Alec, Magnus would have played it off. Lovers did not want to be bothered by nightmares. The bedroom was a sacred place meant for worshipping skin and molten kisses and whispering filth into your lover’s ear. But Magnus was with Alec, who bore so much for the people he loved. 

“I dreamt about drowning.” Magnus whispered into the night. “I dreamt it… the time my stepfather tried to kill me.”

Alec wrapped a strong arm around Magnus and pulled him close. He kissed the top of Magnus’ head. He ran a comforting hand up and down Magnus’ arm as if to rub away the cold. “You’re reliving the trauma because of everything that just happened. Talking about it. Having Shinyun attack you. It’s alright. After battles there is always a time of healing. That can be messy. It can be painful.”

“Well, I hate it.” Magnus said. He took in a deep breath, then released it slowly. He could feel the comfort of Alec’s heartbeat against his back, so much quicker than his own. 

“I know.” Alec said. He kissed Magnus’s cheek. “I know.” He kissed Magnus’ other cheek. “Don’t worry. No one likes being in pain.” He kissed Magnus’ nose.

Magnus relished the contact. He pulled Alec in closer, took in his dark scent of sandalwood and teakwood. How did a boy come to bear the pains of others so well? How did Alec decide that nothing was too painful or dark to look at? Was he born this way? Had the great angel Raziel gifted Alec with not only strength and good looks, but also a golden heart?

“Would you like some tea? Chamomile? Lavender? Rose?” Alec asked. 

Magnus shook his head. He sat up, pulled his knees into his chest. “Alexander, you have learned a lot about me on this vacation.”

Alec scratched his head. His dark hair was tousled, both from lovemaking and sleep. His skin held a bit of the Italian sun still. He was shirtless and in Magnus’ golden bed. He was so very beautiful that Magnus’ couldn’t help but think, ‘he is going to break my heart.’ “I have. I learned about your family. I learned that you really like prosecco and prosciutto. I learned that you know how to pilot many vehicles. Oh… and that you are an incredibly kind person who wanted to change the world, make it a little better even if you did things that only would have amused a child.”

“They amused me.” Magnus mumbled.

“Yes, but you admitted to drinking a lot.” Alec said. “That never leads to good ideas.”

Magnus could not deny that. He had founded a cult while highly intoxicated. “I just don’t understand. Why aren’t you running? Why are you not telling me that I am stupid and reckless and frivolous? Why aren’t you telling me that I am evil?”

“Would that make you happy?” Alec asked.

“No!” Magnus said. 

“Then why would I want to make you unhappy?” Alec asked softly. “Especially when you did nothing wrong.”

“How can you say that?” Magnus exploded. “How can you look at me and…love me?”

Magnus hadn’t meant to say that. He stood up and slipped on a silk lavender robe that trailed the floor. He was being ridiculous. Alec did not have to prove his love to Magnus. Hadn’t he already? He had saved Magnus time and time again. He had forsaken his father and gone on holiday with Magnus. He had shared his first time with Magnus. So why was Magnus making Alec chase him through the loft?

Because Magnus was petty and childish and didn’t deal well with his emotions. He played it cool. He didn’t care. Except his great romantic vacation had turned into a horrible spectacle of his past and he was bleeding out all over his boyfriend. He went to the kitchen and flicked his wrist. A kettle slammed onto the stove. It filled itself with too much water that it splashed onto the stove. Then the burner turned itself up so high that it was a menacing red. 

Alec came into the kitchen, grabbed a bottle of water and turned to leave the kitchen.

“Alexander!”

Alex turned with a mouth full of water. “Huh?”

Magnus wasn’t sure now. Alec was in nothing but his black boxers. He was all course dark hair on his chest and legs, and strong muscles that were surprisingly soft to the touch. Magnus wanted to touch, but he felt prickly. He just wanted Alec to see him for what he was. He wanted Alec to leave now before he devoted his heart to him. He needed Alec out of his sight before he screamed all his dark truths at him.

“Aren’t you going to say anything?” Magnus finally said.

“What do you want me to say?” Alec asked. There was a hesitancy to Alec, and Magnus resented putting it there.

“Aren’t you mad?” Magnus said.

Alec sighed and finished his bottle of water. He put the plastic in the recycling bin, then leaned against the counter, arms crossed. “I am not mad. Why would I be?”

“Urgh! Stop deflecting with questions!” Magnus yelled. “If I wanted a robot, I would have paid for one.”

Alec narrowed his eyes at Magnus. “Okay.”

“That’s it?” Magnus said. “Okay?”

Alec looked down at the black and white checkered floor. He bit the nail on his thumb, as if gathering his thoughts. “Magnus, do you know why I became Jace’s parabatai?”

Magnus did not know what to say. He hadn’t expected Alec to actually respond to him. Grab his things and leave, yes. But Alec looked like he was settling into a conversation. “Tell me.”

“I became his parabatai because Jace said, ‘I cannot make it in this world alone. I need you to have my back.’ Can you imagine how much courage that took for him to say? He must have felt so… exposed. Do you know what I told him?”

“Yes.” Magnus said. “I mean… you are parabatai now.”

Alec looked up at Magnus. “Wrong. I told him no. I did not think that I could care for him in the way he needed. See, Jace was a difficult boy. He didn’t like hugs. He wouldn’t do as he was told. He hated bedtime and baths and anything that Mother and Father would tell him to do. He liked to be left alone in the weapons room or the library. He liked to be by himself where no one could see him. If I became his parabatai, then I would have to give up the notion of certain things. Of following the rules. Of being seen as a perfect soldier. Of having a Clave appointed position. To be Jace’s parabatai I knew that I would have to walk blind sometimes. That I would have to trust a bit of chaos. I would have to become the person whose feelings did not get cut to ribbons by a sharp tongue. I had to learn about moodiness and sadness and insecurities. Jace had been abused as a child, and he would need me to look at that pain and not flinch.” Alec looked up at Magnus. His blue eyes were clear, like a midday sky and just as bright. “I do not flinch in the face of danger, Magnus Bane. I have shown you that. I will show you that again and again and again. Because a long time ago I chose not to flinch. I can’t imagine what it must be like to have lived as long as you have with that pain festering in your soul. It breaks my heart that I was not born the same day as you in the same village and could have run away with you so you would not know a moment of pain. The only thing I can do now is love you. But you have to let me. Do you think you can trust me?”

Magnus’ heart felt like it was about to shatter. But in a good way. Alec kept surprising him. Endlessly. Without even trying. Simply because he loved Magnus this much.

“I’m sorry.” Magnus said.

Alec stepped close to him. “For what? Feeling? If we all apologized for that…”

Magnus smiled. “Sometimes I am selfish. And demanding. And childish.”

“Sometimes I read the Codex for fun. I don’t get not carrying a weapon everywhere I go. Before I enter a building, I must know the exits. I don’t get most jokes and I think vegetable crackers are a suitable snack.” Alec looked at Magnus. “Do you think I’m boring?”

“No. Never.” Magnus said. “You are endlessly fascinating. I never want to stop talking to you.”

Alec leaned in closer and placed his hands on Magnus’ hips. “And I never get tired of seeing the world with you. One day you will trust that I won’t leave. Maybe, even one day, you will tell me about your life. Anything. Everything. But only when you are ready. I’ll be here.”

Magnus found that he did not doubt Alec. How could he? They had travelled the world together. Shared wild crazy moments, and quiet intense moments. They had dodged danger and spoke their truths. Maybe once Magnus had been loved by those who thought he was frivolous or evil. But he had also been loved by those who saw the light in him and loved him for it. They were shining souls themselves making this dark world a little brighter and for whatever time Magnus had them—be that quick hours or long years—they had burned brightly with him. Now he was standing in front of a man who loved fiercely and fearlessly, who burned like a steady candle and roared like a fireplace. Alec saw the light and the darkness in Magnus and leaned in to kiss him anyways.


End file.
